The Various Personalities of Offer Up

My coworkers recently turned me on to this app called Offer Up. It is a more basic version of Craigslist solely for your phone. But never fear, the people are still just as wacky. We’re talkin’ selling-used-makeup-wacky.

My coworker had bought and sold several things and had always had good experiences. So I enthusiastically started posting all the weird and stupid items I bought when I was trying to fill all the new and empty space in my apartment two years ago. Two ceramic animal busts? Why not! I’m cringing thinking about it now.

So I began the Offer Up odyssey.

My first listing was a success when I sold one of the said animal busts for more than I purchased it for (Eric, aren’t you proud?).

It was like a deer drug deal.

We met in the parking lot of a Exxon station in Greenway Plaza - home to law firms, finance companies and oil and gas tycoons, for those who aren’t familiar. We parked next to each other near the connected convenience store, the tinted windows in her Lexus rolled all the way up, and I nodded to signal that the deal was on. I got out of my car, opened the trunk to retrieve the ceramic sculpture and walked to her window. As the glass slowly slid into the door, I noticed that “Becky” was a very sharply dressed woman who was apparently into fake deer mounts as much as this girl. I passed the deer through her window and she slipped me $40. She never smiled and the overpriced Ray Ban sunglasses failed to leave her face.

It was oddly one of the most bizarre and satisfying experiences I’ve had to date. I’m sure if anyone witnessed this as they were fueling up their car, they probably thought that there were actual drugs stuffed into that ceramic statue and this little while girl in heels driving a Jetta was a drug mule - deer - whatever. 

But my Offer Up luck was short-lived. 

I next posted a Target side table and my 18” (lol) television from my dorm room days. I priced both of them higher than I expected to get, knowing that these people would beat me down and I’d have to negotiate something lower. 

I got several offers within the first ten minutes of the listings going live. But these people were quite different than Becky. It seems that ceramic animal busts and televisions draw a completely different kind of clientele. 

I posted both of these items before I went to bed a few weeks ago, so the listing appeared on the app close to midnight. I thought I would check and respond to any offers in the morning when I woke up.

But no sleep was in sight for me that night  - my phone was buzzing for hours on end with low balled offers and poorly written questions like, “doz dis werk?”. Great.

One guy even messaged me at 2:00 am asking if it was okay to come and pick the TV up from my location (which is unknown unless I tell them) right that minute. At 2:00 am. On a Tuesday night. I’ll pass there, buddy. I don’t need the cash that badly right now. 

I did get a seemingly-polite college girl to offer full price on my Target side table and we planned to meet the next day to make my second deal. But she never showed. And when I confronted her about it later and asked if something happened, she said, “Oh, I didn’t think you were serious.” Oh, well I’m serious when I say that you should probably stay in school then. 

This sort of no-show or “oh, I was just kidding!” tactic was used by very many and I was about to just give up and delete the offers and the app entirely. 

And then that’s when I started getting the “what is the lowest price you’ll take for this?” questions. Which I responded with “full price”, very curtly. 

I finally re-posted my items and made clear to say:

SERIOUS OFFERS ONLY! and MUST GO TODAY!

But that didn’t seem to deter them:

Below are some of the messages that I’ve received just in the last few days. Feel my pain, people!

This guy clearly has no concept of time

I give up! If you want a little Target side table and/or a television smaller than your computer monitor, you know who to call. BUT YOU MUST PICK UP TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A JOKE!